Well, as entertaining as it is to watch a fat man eat McDonald's, the title of this game is Zero4Champ, and as we all know, it occasionally features drag racing.
This is the last location on our map, so there must be a race here.. and I expect it's going to be for the Dry Race medal!
Let's Talk to a local to find out what we can.
:
Umm
:
This is where they do zero-yon.
:
Do you have it?
I think it was on the north side of town.
Alright, we know where it is. Time to hit the Circuit .
Ah .. this must be the north end of town…
… the really, really, really north end of town.
And this fellow must be our opponent…
I can’t quite put my tongue on what 90’s celebrity he’s based off, but he looks like a John, so I’m going to call him John.
:
I don't see you anywhere. Are you here to observe?
:
No, I came here to do zero-four.
:
Oh, I see. Welcome.
:
Walk-ins are welcome! Let's get started!
…Huh… we’re already racing now… just like that?
John appears to be a… normal… guy? Not a muscle bound weirdo a cross-dresser or someone who otherwise is going to try some esoteric trick to force us into a losing position like asking us to drive underwater with a paddle?
… As far as I can tell, this is a - straight up - no nonsense, drag race to 400m on a dry road.
… How strange.
Well, it seems like this opponent is the classic Porche 914. This, like every other race in this game, will be the first of the boss's friends, before we face off the man himself.
For our part, because we haven’t driven one yet and I haven’t breathlessly mentioned one in conversation for at least half a day now… we’re taking the Toyota MR2!
The first time around I lost deliberately to see what happens.
:
I lost…
:
Hahaha, that was close.
:
Don't let this put you off, come again!
:
I'll be waiting for you.
What? No laughing at us? No mean aside remarks? Just a kind, gentle, ‘try again’?
Something's not right with this John guy…
Okay. Let's try that again… This time around I’ve got more control over the car and am familiar with what to expect.
And BAM - we blitz the first driver.
With the combination of a dry track, a MR2 modded for peak power and road tires with plenty of glue, it smashes our very own record with a 8.39 seconds Zero 4!
:
Hmm, that's pretty impressive. But the next one will be faster.
Aw. He's even kind to us between races.
Fuck this guy. He's going down!
:
Hmm, that's pretty impressive. But the next one will be faster.
The ‘next one’ is a BMW …
And it wasn't much faster...
You know, these races are extremely easy when there's no weird gimmicks holding us back.
Next up , is the Shelby / Ferrari / We couldn’t tell what it was when we first saw it, way back when..
Whatever it was, it’s just a tiny dust spec in our rear view mirror now.
:
Yay, I won!
:
That's impressive.
:
But I'm not going to be like this anymore.
:
It's time to fight!
We’re finally up against John for the Houston Finale… His friends were all pretty easy to default, but will we be able to beat him and bring home the medal?